Friday, 1 April, 2022

I think Jacques has a crush on me. I might have sex with him later this week, maybe. I find him very unattractive, but I think he might be able to help me with my process of dissolving. He’s much shorter than me - I’m very tall, and I have very long, shiny blonde hair. He has fair, greyish hair, pointy ears, and no eyebrows. He also wears very thick glasses. Bebe said it might be good for me to be very descriptive about things to start with, she said that maybe that’ll help me be able to tell things the way they really are, and not the way I wish they could be or the way I’m afraid they will become.

My name is Alejandra, and I’m 20 years old. I’m very tall and very skinny. I have brown skin that reminds the men I have sex with of the colour of ripening olives. I have long, sleek blonde hair. I have small breasts. Right now I’m wearing a white cotton dress that leaves most of my back exposed, and I like it because it suits my skin tone, and because it leaves a lot of it exposed. I used to be considered beautiful, back when I lived in the Outside. Here, however, that kind of thing is not supposed to matter. Nothing is beautiful here, apart from the big Sunflower Field. Bebe is beautiful, too, she is old, she has long, bright white hair, she is fat and has gigantic breasts and wide gigantic hips, and everyone is always talking about the beauty of Bebe, because it is the beauty of the great Female. Of course, I am a woman too, and of course as such I am beautiful. But there is no static beauty around here, beauty that can be stumbled upon when one hasn’t been looking for it. When I lie naked on the grass to catch the morning sun, my hair shines a million different shades of gold, I am, gloriously, the pinnacle of the great Female. But I am not beautiful. No one here will see beauty in the way my hair shines, in my smooth, dark skin, in my firm thighs. That is all incidental. The reason we’re here is because we’re waiting for all of that to end. We are the last ones!, at least those of us lucky enough to have completed their process of dissolving when the end comes. We are trying to not be anything at all, and we are certainly not beautiful. We honour beauty, as we honour all things. We honour all things because we are trying to merge them all, and to merge ourselves with them.

And I’m sure that we will, soon enough. As soon as The Bomb gets finished.

I’ve been assembling bunkbeds, still. I’m content. Jacques is good company to work with. I’m pretty sure I’ll have sex with him soon.

I haven’t been hearing much about The Bomb’s progress lately. My friend Leo is part of the team that’s building it, and he usually tells me something about how well it’s going when he sees me. He’s not supposed to tell Newcomers, but he tells me because he knows how committed I am to my process of dissolving, and that Jonah and I are In Love and that I might be joining the Us soon. Leo has never been to the Outside. He was born in the big fields, and moved here with his parents when he was only two years old. He often asks me questions about “out there”. He hums catchy melodies he’s overheard in the vegetable gardens and asks me to name them, asks me about politics, the president’s name, why did people vote for him? He asks me about Christmas. Christmas carols. Presents I got as a child. I tell him. I trust him. He’s in the Us, but I know he would never mention any of what we talk about to them.

And I always ask Leo how The Bomb is coming along. It’s all going great, he says every time. Always: Absolutely splendid. I believe him. It won’t take long, now. The end is getting nearer and nearer.

Saturday, 2 April, 2022

I asked Jacques if he would like to have sex with me today. He said yes. We’re meeting after lunch tomorrow. We’re going to have to find someone to do our dishes for us - I’ll make the announcement today at dinner time. I think everyone will be very happy for us.

Tuesday, 4 April, 2022

Today I had sex with Jacques. Two Newcomers - a couple, though Bebe said they are not In Love - volunteered to do our dishes for us. I’m glad they’ve decided to take this small step in starting their own process of dissolving, though I think they’ve arrived a bit too late.

Jacques and I had sex in the little tent behind the dormitories. He seemed nervous, but maybe that’s because I was nervous. It was all very quick and straightforward. I didn’t feel much. The whole thing was over in less than five minutes. We walked back to the building site in silence.

I’m so glad we did it. I think it’s going to help our personal processes of dissolving a great deal.