Friday, 15 April, 2022
I still haven’t heard from the Us, I don’t think Jonah ever even asked them. I don’t think I dare to ask him again. Besides, I’m not so sure I’d be ready to tell them everything about myself anymore. At the end of each day we’ve assembled a few more bunkbeds. We line them up in a warehouse, then sit on the grass and talk. Jacques is very glad to be working with me, too, I think we’re good for each other. Yesterday he asked me if I would like to have sex with him again. I said no, I said this would not be the right thing for my personal process of dissolving right now. He seemed very pleased with my response. He looked at me with deep respect, which made me feel very grateful and acknowledged in my process. Yes, we are good for each other. We make each other laugh. Nothing makes Bebe happier than to see people laughing. Especially Newcomers. And the Us, of course.
Leo told me the The Bomb is going "almost unbelievably well, almost like magic, really".
I felt sexually attracted to a Newcomer I saw today. I think he’s just arrived here, I’d never seen him before. I don’t think I am going to ask him to sleep with me just yet though, and I don’t think he’s allowed to come to the Big Fire nights, but I might try to strike up a conversation with him tonight at dinner time. I think there’s a good chance it will be a very dissolving experience for both of us. He looked like he needed someone to talk to.
Saturday, 16 April, 2022
So, I talked to him. To the Newcomer. His name is Ed - Ed Melano, he asked me to call him Ed Melano. If I just call him Ed he has to correct me, "Ed Melano". He’s very attractive indeed, very manly. Maybe I should carry on describing him in more detail: He has very pale skin and very dark hair and squinty dark eyes. He is not taller than me, but not significantly shorter either, and he’s very muscley, so he looks bigger than he is. He’s a painter. He showed me some of his paintings. He seems to paint mostly flowers. I thought they were a bit silly, in times like these, when we’re so close to the end. He told me he’s been working in the vegetable gardens.
“Yeah? How do you like it?” I asked.
“Oh, I love it. I think the gardens are beautiful,” he said, and I sniggered. Of course a Newcomer would say that. They’re so obsessed with beautiful things, most of them, with making little distinctions between one thing and another and rating them. They’ll all say, about one thing: “This is so me”! And about something else: “I don’t like it, it’s just not me”. So typical of those who think they’re going to be around for long, who are making a whole enterprise out of being who they are. They think they still have a big chunk of life to be lived and that they need to be well equipped for it. Of course, most Newcomers don’t know about The Bomb. They still live in the world of identity, and the world of beautiful things. I try not to judge them, but it’s so hard. I do so wish I could be with the Us more often. It would all be so much easier if I could just merge with them.
If only there was a way. I’m still writing. But the more I write down my obscene thoughts the more distant I feel from everyone here. The more I feel like me, the less I feel like a part of them - and that’s not good, because they are on a process of dissolving into Everything and if I’m resisting that, it means… when they drop The Bomb, when Everything finally merges into Nothingness, I won’t be a part of it.
I will be separate from Nothingness. It will be just me, and then Nothingness. I don’t want that.
I don’t want it all to end.
I had a hard time talking to Ed Melano, mostly because he seemed so obscene. I asked him once if he found me attractive, and he got this very obscene look on his face when he said yes, that made me think he’s not ready to support me in my process at all. I do think it’s good for me to have sex with people other than Jonah, though. Of course, I’m still very attracted to Leo. Maybe I should talk to Bebe about it. How much time have I got left?
Wednesday, 20 April, 2022
It’s killing me, to see Leo and Lily In Love. Last night was a Big Fire night. The way Big Fire nights normally go for me is: I try to get drunk on the cheap wine they serve. About fifty percent of times it makes me sick. Once in a while it helps me dance with other people, dance with ease and abandon like they do, and this helps me dissolve a little bit more, and someone asks to have sex with me. Of course, on Big Fire nights I always say yes. About twenty percent of times the cheap wine makes me tired and irritable, so I just sit in a corner watching Jonah with obscene eyes trying to guess who he’s attracted to. Because we are In Love, Jonah will always offer to share his bed with me at the end of the night, so I won’t have to walk all the way back to my dorm in the dark, and because I know he’ll do that I always try to stay until there is hardly anyone else left, apart from one or two of the Us who are always around, cuddling on a sofa or laughing. Sometimes he’ll leave early with someone else, and because I never know if he’s coming back I stay anyway, and if he doesn’t come I have to ask around for a flashlight, and find my way to my dorm by myself. I never really liked Big Fire nights. Last night was particularly awful, because the mother of Leo’s daughter is here to visit and she’s the other woman Jonah is In Love with, and of course Leo is In Love with her too. She spent the night with Jonah. Of course he didn’t even ask me if I was going to be alright or if I needed a place to sleep. Of course not, it would have been obscene. I knew Leo was going to spend the night with Lily, but I asked him if he could walk me back to the dormitories, I didn’t know what else to do. Big Fire nights can leave you feeling so empty, with an ache below your stomach. I couldn’t help it. It is all part of dissolving. Leo was very nice about it, but he had already made an appointment with Lily. I was just feeling so strange. It made me feel really embarrassed. I didn’t even have the nerve to ask anyone for a flashlight after that. I got lost, and fell into a blackberry bush, trying to find my way in the dark. My face and hands are covered with scratches now. This morning I told Jacques what happened, I asked him if he would mind working on the bunkbeds alone today so I could have the day off. I’m glad I have Jacques, he is really supportive of my process, I think we are good for each other. He’s buying a bottle of cheap wine tonight, and we are going to share it, just the two of us, we’ll find a nice place outside to sit, the moon will be full, and we will tell each other everything. Even if it gets obscene we won’t stop. I feel rotten. I feel more rotten every day.