Friday, 8 April, 2022

Leo has a little daughter. He hardly ever sees her, though. She lives in the fields, the big fields that seem to stretch to infinity between here and the Outside. I met her mother once. She was beautiful, she represented the great Female, she had the most fertile bosom I’ve ever seen. Other than that she looked a bit like a gorilla, and she seemed really unhappy to be here. She lives in the fields and doesn’t know about the Bomb or any of what we do here really, she just comes every now and then so that Leo can see his daughter, because he never has any time to go out and see them. He has work to do on the Bomb. I think what he said is true, I think the Bomb is most likely very nearly ready. I think everything will be over soon.

Saturday, 9 April, 2022

This morning we all went mussel-picking on the beach - just like we do every Saturday, so we can cook them in a big pan out in the big Sunflower Field tomorrow just like we do every Sunday. I love mussel picking. Everything seems unreal when we are out on the beach, everyone else just a bunch of colourful spots scattered around the rocks, in the distance, under a pink sky. Now I’m starting to get scared again.

I haven’t seen any of the Us today. Of all the people who live here they are the only ones who sometimes don’t go mussel-picking on Saturday mornings. Maybe they were busy today. I’m sure there’s a lot they need to get ready before The Bomb gets finished, before it is time to finally put an end to everything. Jonah told me we’re going to have a huge party the night before The Bomb gets dropped - much, much bigger than the Big Fire nights, he said. Everyone will come, he said, everyone. People from the Outside. Everyone from the big fields. They will all know instantly that they have to come. They will feel the calling. They will all suddenly realise: the end is near, and that’s a good thing. We will all be so happy. I can't wait.

Tomorrow’s Sunday, so none of us have to work, apart from the ones who want to join in cooking all the mussels out in the big Sunflower Field. Tomorrow I’m going to ask Jonah if I can join the Us. Since the end is now so near. I think I’m ready now. I’m ready to tell everyone everything, and to dissolve. In any case I know I have nothing to worry about, Jonah and I are In Love so I have nothing, nothing to fear, it’s like we were chosen, really. I am right in the middle of it all.

Saturday, 9 April, 2022 - Evening

I am sick of being a Newcomer. Most of them - especially the real Newcomers, the ones that just come for a few weeks then leave and only rarely come back - just act all over the place - they want to carry on chanting after Chanting Time’s over, they chant during dishwashing time, they light fires whenever and wherever they please. I know most of them are not ready to start dissolving just yet. It’s hard to have compassion, though, and not judge them. I truly feel more and more ready to tell everything, to Bebe, to all the rest of the Kitchen Staff, and I feel ready join the Us. There’s not much time left, and the fact that Jonah and I are In Love proves that I’m ready. He’s one of the best and most dissolved members of the Kitchen Staff, and he had never been In Love with a Newcomer before. I know that has to mean something good about me, but that is one thing I can never say out loud like that. It would be obscene. So literal, so identified. I feel I shouldn’t even be writing it, but Bebe said I should write everything I think about. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t gone away. I wasn’t gone for that long really, I really thought there would be no harm in it, but now I know I was wrong. Dissolving is a process, and as such it must be carried out with continuity, commitment and joy. Dissolving must become my life. I am ready now. Yes, tomorrow I will ask Jonah to join the Us. And I will not mention the word love. He’ll know that I’m ready then.

Sunday, 10 April, 2022

I asked Jonah if I could join the Us today. He laughed nervously and didn’t say anything at first. I had to ask him, so, what do you think? Which was a bit obscene of me. I am losing my composure I guess. Maybe it’s a good thing. Bebe likes it when I act obscene. She keeps telling me to just write down everything I think, that that is the most important thing, that above all else it is the most important step in the process of dissolving. Sometimes obscene things come out. It makes Jonah laugh nervously, but it does make Bebe rejoice every time. I have never said anything obscene during a meeting of the Us, but I have a feeling they wouldn’t like it so much. They still don’t know me that well and they don’t know that I’m ready to tell them everything about me, and about what happened to me when I used to live in the Outside, they still see me as just another Newcomer. But that will change soon, I hope. Jonah hasn’t given me an answer so far. He just said “Yeah, I don’t know, we’d have to see”.

I think they will let me in, or at least let me come to a few more of their meetings, which I enjoy very much. We’ll see. We normally sit in a circle during meetings, sip on cheap wine and eat fried potatoes sprinkled with spicy red powder that stains your fingers. The Us hardly ever chant, except at Chanting Time, and they only come to Chanting Time on very special occasions. No, the Us just talk, and laugh a lot, and tell each other everything. Everything. Everything about themselves, everything about what they think of each other, and everything about who they want to sleep with. The Us cook together. They always make a fire after dinner time, and sit around it sipping on more cheap wine, listening to the distant sound of a piano. Every night Bebe plays her piano in her hut on top of a hill, past the kitchen, past the big Sunflower Fields, past the vegetable gardens. We can all hear it after dinner time, it is her telling us that we should be quiet for a minute or two, think about the things that happened during the day, the things that we are going to tell each other tomorrow, it is her telling us that we should always tell each other everything. It is her telling us: Children. You don’t need to worry. It will all be over soon, so soon. Just let yourselves dissolve now. Children, just trust me.

I think Jonah really wants me to join the Us, too. The only ones in the Us who are In Love are Leo and Lily, and we are all really happy for them. I must confess I have some obscene thoughts about them sometimes, but I’m afraid I don’t have the nerve to write those down just yet. I’m gonna have to wait a little while. I know the more I dissolve the easier it will get. Ok, let me try at least one: I feel very attracted to Leo, and I would very much like to have sex with him, but I’m afraid I’m not good enough for him, because I’m just a Newcomer, and because he has Lily and she’s better than me in so many ways. For one thing, she’s a better and purer incarnation of the great Female than I am. My beauty is too particular. I avoid looking in the mirror these days. Every day I hate the sight of myself more and more. How obscene to write that, to think that. I actually feel terrified right now that someone will read my journal, I have no idea what would happen if they did. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be allowed to come to any more of the Us meetings, and they would probably suggest I went back to working in the vegetable gardens. That is why I left last time, I had started thinking too many things I was afraid to say out loud. Bebe keeps telling me, it must be everything Alejandra, everything, you must let everything out. I feel so scared all of a sudden. I’m going to have to stop writing now. My hands are trembling. It’s too difficult.